Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Just in Time for Valentine's Day

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[Actual unretouched photo of the last time I had sex, or incredibly touching archaeological find? You decide.]

Actually, no you don't. It's the latter. The giveaway is, the last time I had sex dust hadn't been invented yet.

From Yahoo, whose coverage of archaeology and anthropology I find to be very in-depth, comes this kick in the 'nads:

"Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other. "It's an extraordinary case," said Elena Menotti, who led the team on their dig near the northern city of Mantova. "There has not been a double burial found in the Neolithic period, much less two people hugging -- and they really are hugging."

"Menotti said she believed the two, almost certainly a man and a woman although that needs to be confirmed, died young because their teeth were mostly intact and not worn down. "I must say that when we discovered it, we all became very excited. I've been doing this job for 25 years. I've done digs at Pompeii, all the famous sites," she told Reuters. "But I've never been so moved because this is the discovery of something special."

"A laboratory will now try to determine the couple's age at the time of death and how long they had been buried."

Unsurprisingly, neither of them could be reached for comment.

(It's official: dead people are now getting more play than me.)
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Gayest Man on Earth Suddenly Straight

Decency forbids me from from placing a photograph of crystal meth/male prostitute/Jesus afficionado Reverend Ted Haggard on a page where children might come to rest their eyes, already bleary from too much Internet porn. I mean, fair's fair but there's some depravity even the little ones can't handle.

Yes, it seems that this weapons-grade douchebag is now completely straight after only three weeks in rehab. Yay! From Prom Queen to Queen of the Ex-gays in less than a month. Why, that's so unbelievable it's almost sci-fi!

Next stop: Mars. I understand they need women.

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Whitey Please!

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[Honestly, they don't all look alike unless you've never looked at any.]

* * *

Sure, Will Smith doesn't like being mistaken for Barack Obama now, but when he wins an Oscar for playing him in the movie I bet I know who he'll thank first.
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A Useful Ritual

Sit still in a quiet room.
Breathe slowly and deeply.
Reread old blog entries.
Marvel at their awfulness.
Attain enlightenment.
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My Heartfelt Apologies to Ryan O'Neal

Here's the real Father of the Year.

"[On February 6, 2007] an allegedly drunken dad crashed a car into a pedestrian in Queens - then fled the vehicle, leaving his own injured 3-year-old son behind, police said yesterday.

"Melvis Fabian, 29, had a bottle of whisky stashed in his glove compartment as he drove through Corona with his wife and toddler son at 11:18 p.m. Saturday and smashed their Honda into a parked Nissan at 111th Street and 43rd Avenue.

"The crash pushed the Nissan into Santana Riquevil, 22, who was standing nearby, and pinned the Flushing resident against another car, sources said.

"Fabian then fled, police said.

"Meanwhile, his son, Kevin, who was not strapped into a safety seat, broke several front teeth. Fabian's wife was not injured.

"Fabian turned himself in at the 110th Precinct two hours later.

"Riquevil's right leg was so severely broken, it may have to be amputated."

Damn my liberal heart if I don't feel just as bad for Melvis Fabian as I do for his son, but I think I feel worst of all for poor Santana Riquevil. Only one I don't feel bad for is that stunned bitch who let her man drive drunk. Oh well, at least Mr. Fabian turned himself in; given how quick on the trigger the NYPD's been lately, this story could have had an even worse ending.

What an entire mess, especially since didn't none of it have to happen.

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Crack Claims Another Victim

This from Gothamist:

"NEW YORK -- A 1-year-old baby is in good hands now. But the boy was found dehydrated in his Bronx apartment, where he spent about five days alone with his dead mother, who police say apparently had overdosed.

"The child was discovered Sunday night by relatives who went to the apartment after not hearing from the mother for several days.

"They found Thomasina Gibbs, 28, dead in the foyer of her fourth-floor Bronx apartment.

"The toddler was taken to Jacobi Hospital, where he is listed in stable condition.

"The Medical Examiner's office is conducting toxicology tests, but police do not suspect foul play.

"Neighbor Lynn Fitzgerald told the New York Post that Gibbs had been trying to kick an addiction to crack and marijuana."

You can be damn sure it was not a marijuana overdose that made an angel of Thomasina Gibbs. Nevertheless, let's all do our best to make sure the same fate doesn't befall the one she left behind.

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Son of Happy Hump Day!

For all their fame and money the majority of celebrities have terrible lives. So why begrudge them a tiny little scrap of happiness before we, their fans, get wind of it and ruin everything?

It seems that two such people found just such a thing. Neighbours, up there in the Hollywood Hills. Maybe they met at a party or a premiere. I mean, the meeting would have been just a formality, since they are each that famous. A balmy night, a bottle of wine, then straight to the mats for the Naughty Pilates. They thought they were being discreet, they thought they were getting away with it, but they thought wrong. We are everywhere.

Or else, y'know, it never happened. In which case, what kind of mass hysteria puts Rachel in bed with Neo? And how would that go? "Does this Matrix make my ass look fat?" "Whoa. We were on a break. Whoa." "Wanna smoke some grass and trash our exes?" "Whoa. Wait, Are we still in character? Whoa."
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