- Every company I ever ran went bankrupt, including the United States, which racked up a trillion dollar debt on my watch despite having a massive budget surplus when I was elected.
- I wanted to be commissioner of baseball, but my mother told me I should run for Governor of Texas instead so I did, because I always do what my mommy tells me.
- I executed more teenagers, retards, and women than any other governor in the history of my state.
- I let my campaign tell outrageous lies about my nearest opponent so I could win the pivotal South Carolina primary.
- I let my cronies steal the election for me because I knew my opponents would play fair.
- I never left the United States until after I was 'elected'.
- I sat on my ass reading a children's book when my country was under attack because that's what I was told to do.
- I was the first President to come to office with a criminal record.
- I declared war on a sovereign nation based on a lie so that the Pentagon could burn off its surplus of five year old ordnance.
- I staunchly defend the criminals I choose to serve under me.
- I took more vacations than the past three presidents combined, one of whom is my Poppy.
share on: facebook