Pope's Positive Message For The US

At the start of his first visit to the United States today, Pope Benedict XVI wished to state first and foremost that his message to the people of that country - and not just the 75 million of them not going to Hell - was a positive one.


I'm positive that the Vatican and the Holy Mother Church stands at the forefront of the global struggle to obtain human rights for all people. I'm positive that queers (especially the uppity ones) are not people, which is why I can say what I'm saying while keeping up a positively scathing attack on them and their equal rights. I'm positive that in commanding you all to verbally and physically attack queers whenever you see them (or think you see them), you won't have any trouble carrying out something which isn't terrorism at all, but the work of God, who is the God of love. I'm positive that this sort of hypocrisy is just the sort of thing people have come to expect from the Roman Catholic Church.

I'm positive that life begins even before the moment of conception, just as I'm positive that death begins at the moment of birth. This is why it's so important that every fetus made be born, even if it only lives long enough to be baptized a Catholic. Whatever degradation, squalor, and violence it encounters from the moment that holy water hits its precious face is probably its own fault, since it's a filthy evil thing born out of an even filthier, more evil act. I say this because, as a "celibate" I know so much about sex, and as a religious leader I know even more about science.

I'm positive that the leaders of this great nation are willingly and gladly partaking of a Crusade against unbelievers, doing everything they can to wipe out the infidel scourge now overtaking Europe which the wussies of the 12th and 13th centuries failed to do when they had the chance. I'm positive, as well, that the Roman Catholic Church - alone among world religions - is entitled to a seat at the United Nations; I'm also positive that once we get on the Security Council, it's "Look out San Francisco!" Two words: dildo nukes!

I'm positive that poverty can be eradicated; in fact, as I sit in my marble palace filled with priceless art treasures I can't help but be reminded of the way Jesus himself lived, and thinking what a chump he must have been for not having more bling. Same with all those poor people starving on our doorsteps; obviously they haven't prayed enough, or they wouldn't be starving on our doorsteps now, would they?

And finally I'm positive that when I get back to my luxurious hotel suite this evening my handsome male secretary Georg Ganswein will give me an extra long hot oil rub; seeing as it's my first visit to the United States as your pontiff, he's also promised me the full release. I can't wait; in fact, I'm as giddy as a choir boy who's just joined Hitler Youth.

DISCLAIMER: The contents of this speech may have been paraphrased, read between the lines, and sifted from tons of bullshit. It also definitely contains nuts.

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